My relationship with music production is a complicated one. It's saved my life, it's complicated it, and it's made up the majority of my identity.

I'm sure we all go through this journey, right? Looking back constantly at our old work and thinking about what made us do what we did, and looking to our new experiences to help us fuel new creations. I feel funny calling my songs "creations". It's really corny...lol. But I guess that's what they are.

I've been frustrated trying to figure out how to turn this from a life-saving hobby into something more fulfilling...and that frustration has proven counterproductive for far too many years. I want to free myself from that cycle. It's easier to be productive when you're not under your own negative pressures...

But how to deal with the swings? I can write something like this on a day where I feel that I'm doing great work, but then the next day, feel like everything I've done up to this point is worthless- or that I'm moving too slow...or I start comparing myself to others who I feel just have it easier (and that's the worst feeling ever. That alone can send me into a bit of sadness that lasts for days or weeks).

Who knows. I don't think anyone has the right answer. But right now, I write this to replace the negative post I wrote nearly 3 years ago, noting my frustrations with my progress. I need to free myself from that. Cliche as it may sound, it's the only way that I can continue doing what I love, and not hating myself over it. I'm not denying that there will still be days where I feel low, but I need to allow myself to feel that way, and then move on. The sun will continue to rise and set, and with those changes come experiences that I won't be able to foresee. Those experiences and feelings will fuel new inspiration. And rather than beating myself up for not being able to spawn inspiration on the fly, I need to allow myself to accept when that inspiration does or doesn't come, and adjust accordingly.

We never know where we're going to end up, so I'll continue on for now, simply with the intention of continuing.

I can't keep up with all of my "songs" anymore. It's getting to that point, it seems like. I have over 200 songs just floating in my disk space...none of them seem to be of any value. Being a "producer" as a hobby is really taxing. If you don't have the best confidence, it can literally ruin you and tear you apart bit by bit, day by day, as you sit staring at a screen and playing away at keys. It's like, nothing I make is "good enough", but I can't do anything but keep making music...because it's the music making that's saved my life multiple times. I owe it everything...but it doesn't owe me shit. What shall I do? What shall I do? It would be a dream come true to get out of this...

Everyone makes music these days. While it's important to focus on your own craft, how can I even view anything I make as original or unique when everyone under the sun creates music as well? I wonder how many people making music these days actually love doing it...or if they're just doing it for the possibility of fame and recognition or whatever. 

Whatever the case may be, I think the only reason I make music anymore is to stay sane. 

I'm grateful for those who have been lurking and listening to my things since the beginning of it all...if you can tell, my style has done some morphing and changing. 

It's been 2 years since my last post. I keep wanting to quit making music but I realize that even though I'm not that great, it's the only thing I have that I enjoy. University is terrible, I'm alone for most of my time, my attitude overall is shit, and I just keep running back to my DAWs. Fuck. 

I hath made a youtube page! 

There are many reasons for it...I didn't wake up and decide to make a channel but I made one. 

It be here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6Z6mIEOysXjS1sphdl7Hlw

There isn't much on there...and I can't speculate on the future content...but I know it will all be music so yeah. That be all. 

So it's the last day of July. My summer job has come to an end, thus freeing 3 weeks before I have to go back to college. I can't wait! My songs are improving, and with that...have come a lot of requests to use my songs for YouTube videos. 

This is mainly what I'm posting about. 

First, I would like to take the time to thank everyone who comes to me first before using my songs. I'm a nobody in music production, so if you ask to use my music, there is a .0000001% chance that I will say no. However, I was just scowering the interconnected webs one day, and I came across a youtube video that had one of my songs in it. I looked for more videos, and almost 30 videos I came across used my song. I wasn't aware of any of them. There are only 3 or 4 youtube videos that I have been notified about using my songs. Also, the only way I could find out my song was being used is because they credited me in the description box, otherwise it wouldn't have appeared in my search. I have a feeling that I wasn't credited in a few other videos.

Naturally, I'm elated that someone liked my song enough to put it in their video, but the only problem is that I didn't know about it. Before newgrounds came up with the modified license options, I couldn't choose to say that I wanted all use of my songs to be run through me. All it takes is a PM. I'm pretty good about initially responding. With my older songs, it technically doesn't violate anything...but it's just common courtesy, really. If you want to use someone's work for anything, it's always good to ask. If you don't have to ask, shoot them a PM. Saying "Hey, I'm going to be using your work in my free game/video/podcast/whatever." is better than nothing. That way, the artist can keep track of when and where their work is being used.

That also brings me to this: Be sure to read the license conditions when looking at someone's song. I had my song used in some weird game without my permission, even though the conditions on the page clearly state to contact me for ANY use of the song. That's just not courtesy to contact someone with those conditions, it's policy. Therefore, just be mindful. 

That's all for now, I just really had to get that out there. 

Hi everyone! So it's June! That means school is over for the year, and I don't have to worry about aaaaanymore school until the fall. 

I'm just making this post to let you all know that I'm starting to post on Soundcloud now. There might be some inconsistencies between newgrounds and soundcloud. I will post some stuff on newgrounds and some stuff on soundcloud. Sometimes I'll post songs on both. Just depends on how I feel. So anyways, if you wanna keep up with my music and whatnot, I encourage you to check out my soundcloud from time to time! I've decided to give it a second shot! 

www.soundcloud.com/synthgoddess    <----------------- Check it out if you wanttt!

Otherwise, nothing else to report! PM me for requests, questions, collabs...all that great stuff. I hope you all are doing well!

Hey everyone. Update time, it's March!

Uh, I just want to take the opportunity to apologize to those who I am supposed to be collabing with. You know who you are, and I should've reached out to you about why it's taking me so long to be responsive. If I haven't, please feel free to yell at me. 

I've been so stressed lately, I'm in my 2nd semester in college and certain events have happened inside and outside of school that have made my days more stressful and myself more depressed...Therefore, I continue to make music, but I fail to meet the time requirements of others and it's really disappointing. I'm trying to do things to uplift myself, and my friends are helping with that too...so my mood has gotten better over the past couple of weeks...but it's still very up and down. I'm setting goals for myself now, and I'm hoping to be back to my regular self soon...but it's hard. 

I've been singing more lately. Ahem, attempting to sing. LOL I'm not the best singer in the world but I try my best and that's all that matters, right? ......right? Lol okay maybe not but still! 

Anyways, that's all for this update. Like I said, every few months I like to check in. Stay wonderful, all!

Okay, so this is so insane. I've been so busy lately, it's insanity. (But it always seems like I'm busy huh?) Anyways, my inspiration has changed completely so if you're one of the rare few that pay attention to my stuff, you'll notice a slight change in my style. I'm trying to incorporate stronger beats into my songs, and I've gotten my hands on a bunch of new VST effects that give me even more inspiration...

It feels weird not popping out a song every 3 days like I used to, but such is life. I hope with me spending more time on my songs, it translates into better quality in the ones that I do end up making. 

Anyways, that's all. I just like updating every few months or so. 

Later~

I just graduated and finished my college orientation and whatnot. Let me tell you-- I have never been so busy in my life. Over the course of six months I had to pull up my final grades and take proficiency exams to exempt me from college courses...and my job wanted to work me to death. I haven't had a free moment. At all. It was an extremely stressful time...and during that time I had a hard time focusing on my music. I didn't have many moments to sit down and spend time creating melodies and songs and whatnot. In fact, the songs that I've posted are songs that I made for school projects.

I had so many collabs to work on too...and I want to take the time to apologize. Even though I finally finished my parts in those collabs, I really want to apologize for making some of you wait for weeks, even months for me to actually get stuff done. I was so busy and under a lot of stress with work and school and other factors that time just got away from me in the worst possible way. Anyways, now, I'm back in the groove. I'm working on more songs and getting more inspiration and I'm really excited that I actually have time to myself to do it.

It's so hot over here now...ugh. Summer is really setting in.

Anyway, you all are wonderful. Thanks for being patient with me!